I hate the mall.
Yes, the self proclaimed shopper extraordinaire hates the mall.
It basically boils down to 5 main reasons. Hang in while I explain…
1. Its always hot as hell. So I’m in JCPenny today (or CPEn y as the sign said) and I immediately begin to sweat. I don’t mean a light perspiration, but a full out sweatin’ like a pig. I’m not sure if JCPenny thinks that by making me sweat my fat butt will suddenly lose those extra pounds so that I can fit into their never-ending teen clothing. Seriously?! Does that store have an over 15 section? I swear the only thing I saw were t-shirts that said things like “I Make This Shirt Look Good” and a pair of pants that said “Bootylicious”. I’m sorry, but at no point will my butt be squeezing into a pair of pants that shout to the world that I love my butt. When I was in college the most popular shorts were the ones that had “ABC” (insert school initials there). I used to joke with my sorority sisters that I should be paid to walk around with a modified pair of these shorts on because I could actually fit the entire name on my butt. Forget initials!
The mall is basically hot as hell…literally.
2.I’m not in highschool anymore. I know, I know…my stellar good looks and charming personality would have you think otherwise, but it is true. I am in my mid 20s. What does this mean when it comes to the mall?
I AM OLD! I am by far one of the oldest people walking around the mall on any given Friday, Saturday, or Sunday night. Forget trying to get into Icing to get some crappy jewelry. There apparently is some type of incense that attracts all humans under the age of 17 OR creepy guys that are over the age of 18 that are looking for girls under 17.
I find it hard not to stop the young man walking next to me and smack him on the back of the head. For the love of all that is good and right in the world…pull up your pants and take that stupid rag off your head. Its not hot! Do you see Diddy (no longer P. Diddy by the way) wearing that crap?! No. Get a belt and a hat and lets call it a day kids.
3.I have no sense of mall direction.
Its quite possible that I have the most confusing mall in the world in my town. If I do not go out the exact same door every single time I visit the mall I will never find my car again. I will be doomed to walk around aimlessly in the parking lot clicking my little alarm thingy while praying to god that eventually it will go off and I will know where I am parked.
When I’m inside the mall I find myself walking past the same store over and over. Either that or that damn Forever 21 has tons of spawn stores. I will let you guess which one is the truth.
4.I like the feeling of blood in my fingers.
Now this is the hard one for some to understand. For some reason stores feel the need to make the handles in bags the size of a small infants hand. My two fingers end up trying to hold up the entire bag in hopes that all my granny panties from Sears won’t fall out all over the entire floor and in the process end up losing all circulation to them. Why can’t they get together and all have nice bags with fabric handles? Is that so hard? Hmpf. Ann Taylor Loft does it so everyone should.
5.Last, but certainly NOT least… The food court.
Basically the food court is what is wrong with this country. A bunch of different types of “restaurants” trying to sell the same thing for a butt load of money. Seriously?! How many Chinese places do you need in one mall? Is it possible for the Taco Bell kid to get any slower than the kid who works in the place OUTSIDE of the mall? I think not my friends. I think they put the slower kids in the mall food court as to annoy me even more than usual. (No offense to mall workers. I am speaking of my especially moronic mall workers only.)
The food court combines every thing I hate about the mall. Its hot, its filled with teenagers who are sucking on their coke trying to be cool in their oh-so-unique goth gear, and the tables are all nasty with goobers and I have no place to put my teeny handled bags to rest my numb hands.
With that…I’m off to the mall. I need to do a little retail therapy after this small rant.
6 years ago
