FAKERS ROCK!...

In 2003 I was diagnosed with skin cancer. NOW isn't that they way to start out a post?! Talk about a downer.

However, this is the reason that I am no longer tan at ANY point during the year. I am a beacon of light. Older people are strangley attracted to me. On a daily basis I have to gently let oldies know that it is not their time to meet with God and don't go towards the light. Its just a really, really white girl standing in front of them.

I have been known to cause sunburns on small children because the sun is actually reflected off my white legs. Its like standing next to a mirror on an extremely sunny day.

So keeping all of this in mind, you will understand why my hunt for Jergens Natural Glow was so important.



While I was reading the dramatic posts on 2peas I came across a post asking about Jergens Natural Glow lotion. Apparently people had heard that it was a great self tanner that did the gradual thing rather than the orange julius look. Sounds great, right?

WRONG! I can not find this lotion anywhere! I went on a hunt in the middle of a hurricane (slight exaggeration) for this crap. I finally called my mother to have her look for it in Florida before I turned to the dreadful and addicting eBay. Low and behold, she found 3 bottles. 2 for me, 1 for my dad.

I used it AND...drum roll please.

I AM TAN BABY! This stuff does wonders! I no longer feel like casper walking down the street among the living people. I am actually not see through anymore.



Isn't this the best stuff?

Oh, and before you comment on my boobs. They are mine. All mine. I didn't buy them, I just simply leaned back...OH I love Fat JOE!...so that the fat from around my ribs just rode up towards my head a little. Tada! Boobies!

AND! That is not a double chin. Its just the glare off my necklace. WHAT?! IT IS!

Just look at the tan...OK?! :)

Doggie farts are horrific...

I might have to invest in some Gas-X for the pup. I'm literally about to pass out with the odors that are coming out of my dog's ass. It is unreal!

What is it about a dog passing gas that makes it so lethal? True, there have been times when I might have had a SBD (Silent But Deadly)in the middle of Borders but for the love of all that is good and right...I have never in my life made an odor like Korky can after a simple nibble on a piece of cheese.

Here is what happened to make tonight even worse than you can possibly imagine...

Korky ate an entire container of feta cheese. FETA CHEESE KIDS! You can not possibly imagine the hell I am in.

Pray for me. Pray there is nothing to come AFTER the gas.

Stupid Capelet...

FYI...Don't make the capelet I posted about below. Its just a pain in my big ass. I WILL NOT GIVE UP THOUGH!

Wanna get married?...DATE ME!

Let me preface this entire post by letting you know that I have no desire to get married, but I do believe that I have every right to be bitter and pesimistic about my situation. So hmpf...

The past three boys I have dated have decided that they are going to marry the first girl they dated after we broke up. Yes, you read that correctly. The bastards are getting married. Damn them! My goal when we broke up was for these three men to be single and miserable until I found someone. Unfortunately, my dating life is not so hot. Ok, so its non-existent. But seriously? Who has time for dating when I'm busy watching American Idol,taking my dog for walks, and knitting scarfs. Yes, I'm a busy girl with very little to no time on her hands for the likes of boys who can't read or write his name.

On 2peas the other day there was a lovely thread about what 3 qualities each person looked for in a partner. Here are my 3 in no particular order.

1. Be able to read. Literacy is cool kids!

2. Be able to spell AND write your own name. Bonus points if you can spell and write MY name.

3. Be over the age of 18. This is crucial! I don't need to be going to jail for some kid who can't read AND is still in highschool and therefore can't come pick me up from jail because he doesn't have a driver's license and his mother refuses to let him take the bus downtown.

So...in conclusion. I'm bitter. However, I am prepared to be the old lady that you won't let your kids near because she gives out toothbrushes and pennies for Halloween and lives with about 80 dogs. Don't worry kids. I don't bite. Just ask my ex-boyfriends!

My roommate is famous!

I'm sure that we are all aware that the Boston Red Sox won the 2004 World Series. BUT did you know that my roommate is now in a book?! AHH! You did not, you say?

Well let me enlighten you.

Not-so-classy Johnny Damon wrote a book called Idiot: Beating "The Curse" and Enjoying the Game of Life. In the midsts of the book there is a color picture section where my loverly roommate resides. :) Check it out!



She rocks. :)

Buttons! Wanna see my buttons?!...

I have been buttonless for quite some time. I feel naked and not quite whole. I find myself becoming jeolous of other's buttons and I feel the urge to steal them.

UNTIL NOW! Thanks to Brandy (AmbienGirl), I have buttons. SHE ROCKS!

So which one do you like the best?

1.



2.



3.



Any thoughts? Comments?

You Put The Lime In The Coke...

YOU NUT!

The nectar of the gods now comes in a bottle with the classy label of Coca-Cola WITH LIME! Seriously, the best stuff going. Its really what gets me through my day at work. Now, as with most things in my life, there are rules as to how I can drink it.




1. Must be in the 20 oz. bottle.
2. Must be in the cups from my work cafeteria w/ no straw and no top.
3. Must have the shaved ice from the 2nd floor ice machine.

Can we say OCD much?

Oh, and whoever thought of changing that song to make the cute little diddy certainly got a raise. GENIUS! PURE GENIUS!

Could the AI results show be more staged?!...

Seriously, that bit with asking Bo who he thought was the better group was just dumb. Does Ryan Seacrest really believe that I think he is that quick to just stand in the middle of the two groups? Wrong song ding dong.

Poor Anwar. He really just doesn't have *IT* but I think Anthony should have gone first. The kid looks like a Revlon model these days with all that eye makeup hes got going on. Is there really a need for eyeshadow and mascara on a boy that is already a little girly looking?!

I will say that I enjoyed their little dancing skits last night. There are some mighty fine dancers on that show. People that I would be proud to take out to the club to do a little booty shaking. Mostly because I like to surround myself with people who make me look better, but that is besides the point. HA!

So who is next?! I'm thinking Scott is the next to go because makeup boy seems to have a large following. That blows.

Yes, I am still the Knotty Girl...

I realize I haven't posted about knitting. It is not that I have forgotten to post, I just haven't knitted. HA!

BUT! Alas, I have started a project. I am making a cape/shurg type thingy. Its simply for going out to a club or a night in the city.

Here is the picture from the pattern. I got it out of the Knit It! magazine, but it is also on the Lion Brand Website


I've decided that I am going for a bright, funky look so I've changed up the pink in the capelet to be a little bit brighter.

Lion Brand Fun Fur

Hot Pink


Black


and the lining is made out of Chenille Thick & Quick

I have an addiction...

Shopping is something that I do when I am bored, happy, sad, etc. There really isn't a mood of mine that won't be helped along with a little shopping.

I went on a Old Navy and Ann Taylor Loft spree this weekend. If I do say so myself I brought home some pretty cute buys!

This great tunic is from Old Navy. It has a fabulous gold thread that runs through the whole thing.


Great pants! I bought these in green and blue. They make them in white, but lets be honest. My butt would look like a movie theatre screen if I stuck white pants on top of them. I rather limit myself being the target of many jokes by just avoiding white pants to begin with.


Cute sandals. Well, I have them in brown so with gold sequins so they are cuter.


Last, but not least one of my buys from ATL. I bought many things, but for some reason AT does not like to keep pictures on their website for very long of such items. Whatever. I love this shirt so I bought it ever color. No one will notice, right?!



Oh, and here is a pic of me in the shirt above (green version). I finally got a chance to go out with friends so I was super excited to wear my new clothes!

The highlight of 2005...

Laurie Notaro, the best writer ever, is coming out with her new book this Tuesday April 19th.

Here is the newest book. I'm so excited and I just can't hide it!



So go get it on Tuesday!!!

Laurie is the author of my fave books ever:
1. The Idiot Girl's Action Adventure Club
2. Autobiography of a Fat Bride
3. I Love Everybody (And Other Atrocious Lies)



Check out her site

Five Things...

A friend sent me this and I thought, what the hell, I will fill it out. Feel free to steal it for yourself.

5 THINGS YOU HATE
5. Derogatory comments
4. When Korky eats my lipstick
3. Heat/Humidity
2. Underwear that doesn't fit
1. Skunk smells

5 THINGS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
5. Leg warmers
4. Low carb beer
3. Spray Tanning
2. Those cotton skirts that don't fit anyone
1. Sphincter Bleaching

5 THINGS ON YOUR DESK
5. Tons of photos of Korky and P & the Gang
4. My elephant lamp
3. Several Coke cans
2. Tons of markers
1. My PDA

5 OF YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS
5. Ang
4. Coop
3. Satterwhite
2. Shawdawg
1. Ceb

5 THINGS YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW
5. Petting Korky
4. Fixing some issues for work
3. Watching a show on Bravo
2. Drinking Coke with Lime (Put a lime in the Coke, You Nut!)
1. Sitting on my big comfy bed

5 NEGATIVE FACTS ABOUT YOU
5. I'm dramatic
4. I'm a little tacky
3. I have no problem making fun of you
2. I have the potential to be very lazy
1. I'm sarcastic

5 POSITIVE FACTS ABOUT YOU
5. I am my own person
4. I enjoy listening to others
3. I'm fairly easygoing
2. Give lots of compliments to others
1. I'm funny as hell.

5 THINGS YOU PLAN TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
5. Travel all over the world
4. Be completely happy with myself
3. Live in a city I love
2. Find a job that I love doing every single day
1. Make enough money to do what I love, give gifts to those I love, and save some for those that love me

5 THINGS YOU CAN'T DO
5. Have a poker face
4. Get up early
3. Not be funny
2. Not enjoy shopping
1. Give up beans

THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT TURN YOU ON
5. Great eyes
4. Confidence, but not cocky
3. SMILE!
2. Intelligent
1. Sense of humor

5 FAVORITE MOVIES
5. Sharktale
4. Breakfast At Tiffany's
3. The Apartment
2. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
1. Money Pit!

NAME 5 THINGS YOU ARE SCARED OF
5. Drowing
4. White pants
3. Roaches
2. Being alone as I get older
1. Farting in public

I Rock.

Yippee for me! I got flowers delivered to me. To make it even better, they were delivered to me at work! Whooo hooo!

Cutie patutie Marine Man sent them to me because he knew this week was a long one and wanted to let me know that he was thinking of me. Ok, all together, everone say "Awwwwwww." Didn't that feel good?

They were beautiful white roses and instead of baby's breath the florist used small purple flowers.



Notice the background...yes, that really is my wall color.

I reached the end of the internet...and discovered something new!

So while I was sitting at my oh-so-wonderful job I realized that I had come to the end of the internet. Have you ever seen that commercial? Well that was me the other day. At the last minute, I was saved! By a 20-year-old kid who introduced me to the best site ever.

Ready?

Are you sure?!

The Best Music Site

Enjoy to the fullest extent!

I'm in hell.

Many of you, or at least the two that read my blog regularly, will probably wonder why I do not have a review of the last American Idol show. The answer is simple...my life sucks right now. Yes, its true and there is nothing you can say to change my mind.

For the past 2 weeks my job has had us working obscene hours supporting the project that we are going live with. Its not bad when I am there, but all the inbetween lack of sleep is killing me. I'm a girl who thrives on 13 hours naps so the dramtic decrease in sleep is really setting me back. My sleep schedule is all out of whack and this is why you will notice that this post is at 6:50am on a Sunday. What is that about?!

You will also notice that very little knitting is going on at this point. I havent even *opened* the knitting bag in the past few weeks. My hands ache for the needles and I'm hoping to pick them up at the end of next week. Wait...I WILL pick them up at the end of next week.

Anywho...I'm open to any comments about last week's American Idol if you got them.

And we officially have AI drama!

The Smoking Gun, you know the extrememly reliable newssource, is reporting that Scott from AI was arrested for domestic violence a few years ago. Hmmm...did anyone else see that one coming?! I certainly did not. Hmpf.

Check out his mugshot!


And here is the official story.
The Smoking Gun Article